I'm a B*TCH

Sometimes it’s so hard to find myself in the crowd. I look at the mirror and I don’t recognize the person in my reflection. So much had changed in me both physically and mentally through out my adult life. It’s a constant struggle to stay sane in this crazy world. I am never the pessimistic, but negative stuff does take its toll on me. I guess I’m only human to succumb to my weaknesses.

I grew up unattractive. Pimply. Short. Dry hair. Betty Suarez in the TV series Ugly Betty is far more beautiful than I was. I was poor too, so gearing up fancy clothes and accessories to cover my outside flaws , was out of the equation. So there I was ugly face  and wearing ugly clothes. Good thing I was smart and academically forward so that diverted the public’s attention to my achievements. But finding someone to share love  with was a struggle. Physical attraction was always the key. And I didn’t have that attractive physicality.

Good thing I have the best girl friends in the world who shared their beauty secrets to me. Feminine hormones to smoothen the skin. A trip to the salon for the hair. Gym and good food for the body. So I suddenly turned from being ugly to somewhat not ugly. Still not on the beautiful meter. But it has been a journey getting to the somewhat not ugly stage and for that I’m already grateful.

Money hadn’t been a problem when I moved here in Canada so I had the resources to do more in the beauty department. Surgeries. Implants.Laser treatments. Gym membership. Full hair lavish treatments.  And the best cosmetics , clothes and accessories my credit card can afford.

I consider myself pretty now. Guys recognize me with a different passion. But I  still find myself lost in the crowd, my reflection suggests another person. I cry some nights, but not with anger with what Ive done with myself, but with what Ive done with who I am. I have become more arrogant, snobbish and stuck up. I have demeaned girls in my world who are ugly and masculine looking. I have toyed  with people’s feelings. I boast of my designer stuff like I’m a celebrity. Bitch, that’s what I’ve become.Worse is I am aware of all of these and I choose to do it still. Like there is the devil telling me to do it.

Yes I am pretty. Quite attractive.  Inside I’m burning. But hey, I know I can still put out that devilish fire in me. In time , I will. I know, I will.